While at the grocery store, perusing the aisle for my favorite toothpaste and dental floss, I realized how close the oral hygiene products are to the "adult" supplies area. Not on purpose, mind you. But when I overheard:
"It's so much cheaper to buy them in bulk"
And turn to see two young men standing in front of the Trojan's and lube.
And then I started to analyze the close relationship between good oral hygiene and sex. And then realized what that guy last weekend was saying when he complimented me on my "exceptionally white teeth." It was just the worst pickup line ever.
Monday, June 16, 2008
Tuesday, May 27, 2008
I say things.
Well, it's been a long time. And I know I promised and didn't come through. But when everything is in turmoil, some promises get tossed by the wayside.
I want to say things. To specific people, to no one in general. I want to hop on a plane and fly across the country to be there for someone who probably doesn't even need me anymore. I want that interview that says, yes, you're fantastic, and we want to actually give you what you're worth. I want that doctor to be honest when they say, this shouldn't hurt, and just admit that it's going to be worse than anything you can possibly imagine. Most of all I want to say things to him that are swirling around in my head, and I know they shouldn't come out. I want to be able to say things, and have him understand like he thinks I don't. I want him to look at me like he did before, but actually mean it. And I want it to be real and still here. And I hate the things I cannot say.
But most of all, I want to say I'm getting there. I'm just taking my time.
I want to say things. To specific people, to no one in general. I want to hop on a plane and fly across the country to be there for someone who probably doesn't even need me anymore. I want that interview that says, yes, you're fantastic, and we want to actually give you what you're worth. I want that doctor to be honest when they say, this shouldn't hurt, and just admit that it's going to be worse than anything you can possibly imagine. Most of all I want to say things to him that are swirling around in my head, and I know they shouldn't come out. I want to be able to say things, and have him understand like he thinks I don't. I want him to look at me like he did before, but actually mean it. And I want it to be real and still here. And I hate the things I cannot say.
But most of all, I want to say I'm getting there. I'm just taking my time.
Tuesday, November 20, 2007
Asleep at the Wheel
I promise, I will start getting funny again. And I will have some entertaining dates again eventually. And it snowed this morning, so we all know it's only a matter of time before I fall on my ass. And I apologize for the last few months of being neglectful, and boring and irritable.
I've had a lot on my mind, a lot on my plate. I will get better.
But I did want to mention, when you are driving a car, perhaps sleeping should NOT be your first priority. I wish I could have mentioned this to the guy in front of the wingman and I recently. We stopped behind a car at a stoplight. The light turned green, but said car did not move. We honked. No movement. We honked louder and longer. Not a stir. I knew something was wrong. I thought the poor guy in front of us might have had a heart attack or something. So we get out of the car and go knock on his window. And he was asleep. Sound asleep. Awesome. I'm just happy I didn't have to perform CPR on him. I could tell he was still breathing, what with all the snoring going on...
Wednesday, October 31, 2007
Apologies
So, last night, I was a bit cranky. Hence the swearing. And the being pissy with everyone. I think I was having a moment. I clearly needed a nap. I'd say I also needed a hug, but I hate being touched, unless I specifically invite it, in which case, yay touching! But I had run a little too far, a little too hard, and was in serious pain. Like, had to stop driving home my ankles hurt so bad pain. I was stupid, and it made me cranky. So, my apologies...
But today, I am much better. And it's Halloween, so I'm gorging on candy rather than real food (it's part of my nutritious diet). And I will get to see all sorts of cute little costumed kids this evening. No harm, no foul. But I'm still incensed that John Edwards criticized Hilary for having ambition, because thats just messed up.
But today, I am much better. And it's Halloween, so I'm gorging on candy rather than real food (it's part of my nutritious diet). And I will get to see all sorts of cute little costumed kids this evening. No harm, no foul. But I'm still incensed that John Edwards criticized Hilary for having ambition, because thats just messed up.
Tuesday, October 30, 2007
STFU
No, seriously, shut the f*** up. I'm sorry. Normally, I don't swear (except for ass. I say ass ALOT). But lately, there have just been a number of things that the only proper or appropriate response is "shut the f*** up". (Prepare for long winded, not very interesting, semi-coherent rant.)
I mean seriously, I'm not saying who I support in the current presidential race, but John Edwards comments about Hilary Clinton's ambition? Are you kidding me? Because it takes a real lack of ambition to run for office? Or the "I pulled myself up by my own bootstraps, anyone else can do the same, if they can't they are just lazy" guy. You're a dick, recognize it. And, I will go all the way back to my freshman year of college, when my friend's boyfriend called me a feminazi. You're an asshole. And, you could not even give me a definition of what it was, which also makes you an idiot. I'm glad you'll be sitting in jail for a long, long time- maybe there you will learn to shut it. Or the guy next to me at the coffee shop who asked why I'm not married. I don't know you, I don't want to know you, I don't want you to think you know me well enough to answer that question. And the guy at the gym, who after talking to me on the eliptical machine for two minutes thought he'd go ahead and increase my incline- keep you hands off my machine. And go back to the locker room, your assholishness is showing. And you, the one who keeps going on about how we need the bible in school and Ten Commandments monuments on every lawn. Zip it. Not everyone shares your point of view. You want people who agree with you, go to church, here, we're going to tell you to shut your piehole.
Now, I'm willing to listen, if you have something thoughtful to say. If you are willing to bring well reasoned, logical arguments, and make a case for your point of view. I am even willing to change my mind if you are convincing and have some conviction for what you are saying. But if you are going to spout your closed minded, bigoted, misogynistic nuteria, just go ahead and shut the f*** up. I don't want to hear it. You don't deserve to be heard anymore, you've had years of being able to preach your views, get mainstream attention, garner some praise and raise awareness for whatever wacko thing chokes your chicken. Now, I'm done. I'm not going to argue evolution versus creationism. Come back with some evidence that isn't based simply on what you believe. I will not discuss with you how our society still places women as second class citizens. Stop protecting and promoting the patriarchy and your place of privelege and we can chat.
I could go on. I could go on for some time and still not even scratch the surface of those things that could be discussed here. But I'll go ahead and follow my own advice and shut the f*** up.
I mean seriously, I'm not saying who I support in the current presidential race, but John Edwards comments about Hilary Clinton's ambition? Are you kidding me? Because it takes a real lack of ambition to run for office? Or the "I pulled myself up by my own bootstraps, anyone else can do the same, if they can't they are just lazy" guy. You're a dick, recognize it. And, I will go all the way back to my freshman year of college, when my friend's boyfriend called me a feminazi. You're an asshole. And, you could not even give me a definition of what it was, which also makes you an idiot. I'm glad you'll be sitting in jail for a long, long time- maybe there you will learn to shut it. Or the guy next to me at the coffee shop who asked why I'm not married. I don't know you, I don't want to know you, I don't want you to think you know me well enough to answer that question. And the guy at the gym, who after talking to me on the eliptical machine for two minutes thought he'd go ahead and increase my incline- keep you hands off my machine. And go back to the locker room, your assholishness is showing. And you, the one who keeps going on about how we need the bible in school and Ten Commandments monuments on every lawn. Zip it. Not everyone shares your point of view. You want people who agree with you, go to church, here, we're going to tell you to shut your piehole.
Now, I'm willing to listen, if you have something thoughtful to say. If you are willing to bring well reasoned, logical arguments, and make a case for your point of view. I am even willing to change my mind if you are convincing and have some conviction for what you are saying. But if you are going to spout your closed minded, bigoted, misogynistic nuteria, just go ahead and shut the f*** up. I don't want to hear it. You don't deserve to be heard anymore, you've had years of being able to preach your views, get mainstream attention, garner some praise and raise awareness for whatever wacko thing chokes your chicken. Now, I'm done. I'm not going to argue evolution versus creationism. Come back with some evidence that isn't based simply on what you believe. I will not discuss with you how our society still places women as second class citizens. Stop protecting and promoting the patriarchy and your place of privelege and we can chat.
I could go on. I could go on for some time and still not even scratch the surface of those things that could be discussed here. But I'll go ahead and follow my own advice and shut the f*** up.
Wednesday, October 03, 2007
Hehe.
Again, no real update. Just thought I'd take note that for the first time in my life, I got kicked out of a bar. Honest to god, bouncer escorted me out kicked out. Laughing all the way. See, technically, it wasn't really my fault. But I had kinda been drinking since 1:30 in the afternoon. So, I take no responsibility for my actions after midnight. You see, I had a fairly full beer in front of me. And my wingman decided to screw with me- so she hit the top of my bottle with the bottom of hers (does anyone have a name for that? can anyone make one up?) And knowing how fast and furious the beer would be shooting from my bottle, I quickly put my hand over it. But then, in a drunken, feelin' good, lets be bad sort of way, I decided to spray her with it. But somehow, in the process, I managed to spray the entire bar. People 15 feet behind me, the bartender, people at tables, people at the bar, and the bouncer, right between the eyes. It was glorious. And the bouncer promptly came over and asked me to leave. I was laughing so hard I could hardly apologize, and then the bouncer started laughing at us too. And on our way to the door- everyone was complimenting my skills. The bouncer said we were welcome back the next night. And that, my friends, is when awkward becomes hilarious.
Monday, September 17, 2007
Um, yeah. I've been busy.
I know, I know. I'm saying it to myself. Liar, liar, pants on fire...
I said I would tell you all about my baby shower in Vegas. And I swear I meant to. I really did. But when I came home, I was confronted with a work situation that demanded my attention. Actually, it apparently demanded national attention, but anywhoo, I had to work, and deal with some things. Then I had the actual birthday, then I got sick, and now I am babysitting some very funny looking dogs this week. So, my hands are full. And my laptop is dead. (I'm all for recommendations, what do you use, why is it any good?)
But there have been a few things going on lately that have completely blown my mind. And I'm pissed off, in shock, and completely dumbfounded by most of it. I've never been accused of being naive, or not being cynical enough. Trust me- I have cynicism in spades. But I just have some general questions.
1) Why is it that those qualities we look for in our leaders are almost completely contradictory to those qualities required to get elected? And why is it that moderates on both sides of the political aisle are getting completely beaten down by their nutjob counter parts, when they hold the majority? And why don't we question not only our leaders, but the media that is trying to get a story out so quickly, they may not necessarily do it accurately, realizing all the while that they are not the always upstanding defenders of information and society that they may claim to be?
2) Please point me to the amendment in the constitution that says we have the right to NOT BE OFFENDED. Where the hell does it say that? Is that in the Bill of Rights, or did that come along later, like with repealing prohibition and 18 year olds getting the vote? And how does that mean that we can arbitrarily decide what others can or cannot do (or wear), when they are not in violation of the law passed by those we elected to pass laws to maintain civil society?
3) And since when is an outright display of hostility at it's best (straight up harassing, threatening bigotry is more accurate) a "prank"? Living in a country that prides itself on equality and freedom, how do we still have pockets of hatred that are so backwards that this is acceptable as standard practice, and that more people aren't screaming about this every night?
These are just a few of the things that have had me all hot and bothered lately. As well as the 22 year old, but that story is best saved for another time. My apologies for venting, and not bringing my usual falling down fun- I promise it will be back. As soon as I let off a little steam. I'm going to go play with some puppies now. I'm hoping that makes me feel better...
I said I would tell you all about my baby shower in Vegas. And I swear I meant to. I really did. But when I came home, I was confronted with a work situation that demanded my attention. Actually, it apparently demanded national attention, but anywhoo, I had to work, and deal with some things. Then I had the actual birthday, then I got sick, and now I am babysitting some very funny looking dogs this week. So, my hands are full. And my laptop is dead. (I'm all for recommendations, what do you use, why is it any good?)
But there have been a few things going on lately that have completely blown my mind. And I'm pissed off, in shock, and completely dumbfounded by most of it. I've never been accused of being naive, or not being cynical enough. Trust me- I have cynicism in spades. But I just have some general questions.
1) Why is it that those qualities we look for in our leaders are almost completely contradictory to those qualities required to get elected? And why is it that moderates on both sides of the political aisle are getting completely beaten down by their nutjob counter parts, when they hold the majority? And why don't we question not only our leaders, but the media that is trying to get a story out so quickly, they may not necessarily do it accurately, realizing all the while that they are not the always upstanding defenders of information and society that they may claim to be?
2) Please point me to the amendment in the constitution that says we have the right to NOT BE OFFENDED. Where the hell does it say that? Is that in the Bill of Rights, or did that come along later, like with repealing prohibition and 18 year olds getting the vote? And how does that mean that we can arbitrarily decide what others can or cannot do (or wear), when they are not in violation of the law passed by those we elected to pass laws to maintain civil society?
3) And since when is an outright display of hostility at it's best (straight up harassing, threatening bigotry is more accurate) a "prank"? Living in a country that prides itself on equality and freedom, how do we still have pockets of hatred that are so backwards that this is acceptable as standard practice, and that more people aren't screaming about this every night?
These are just a few of the things that have had me all hot and bothered lately. As well as the 22 year old, but that story is best saved for another time. My apologies for venting, and not bringing my usual falling down fun- I promise it will be back. As soon as I let off a little steam. I'm going to go play with some puppies now. I'm hoping that makes me feel better...
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